Of course, that joke in my title above only works if you first understand that Old Kent Road is the very worst property on the Monopoly board, at least if you have the English version. In the American (Atlantic City) version, I think it has traditionally been known as the rather more exotic sounding “Mediterranean Avenue”. In the Japanese version, I believe it’s known as “China”. Really, all you need to know in order to properly understand what I’m trying to say in relation to your fat momma, is that the comparison between your fat momma and the property on the Monopoly board is not a flattering one.
The joke also only makes sense (and maybe not even then) if you first appreciate that there is a clear and present danger going on in the world around us, and that danger is the global threat of personalized-Monopoly-madness, a sickening and corrupt virus that is infecting more and more people every year. The virus presents itself in two main strains: the worrying, but perhaps not fatal, “localized” Monopoly; and the horrifying self-referentialism of the true, full-blown, “personalized” Monopoly strain.
Threat One: The Local Monopoly Set
There are a lot of “localized” sets of Monopoly out there. One kind revolves around themed sets: Simpsons Monopoly (Homer comes second place in a donut-eating competition!), Spiderman Monopoly (Dr Octopus tosses you back three spaces!), Doogie Howser, M.D. Monopoly (Doogie learns a life lesson while passing Go!). Of course, these examples are not true types of the “localization” trend, so much as they are evidence of the equally crass proliferation of a very small section of proven entertainment across a wide, but ultimately entirely inappropriate, variety of media.
In true localization Monopoly, the idea is that the main points of interest on the game board – properties, utilities, stations (railroads), and maybe even the Chance and Community Chest cards – are replaced by versions of the same which, and this is the important part, refer to your home town. The game rules are the same. The order of play is the same. Let us be clear: the differences in the theme of the board make absolutely no impact on the outcome. In every respect that matters, this is exactly the same set of Monopoly as the one your daddy (but not necessarily the same daddy who hangs around with your fat momma) bought for you one disappointing Christmas, many years ago. Except that in the local version of Monopoly, when you land on Mayfair (American version: Boardwalk. Japanese version: clearly underage anime girl with both male and female sexual organs), you don’t land on Mayfair, you land on the nicest street in your home town!
Oh my, I don’t think I can take the excitement! Instead of moving my little-dog playing counter onto a square going by the name of a street which has national cultural relevance, I’ve instead moved my little-dog playing counter onto the exact same square going by the name of an entirely different street, the relevance of which will only be understood by other people living in my home town! Totally sweet, dude!
Threat Two: The Personal Monopoly Set
Many versions of the local Monopoly set exist. If we are feeling charitable, we might say that, in a sense, they are merely extensions of the process which saw Waddington’s create a London-specific board from Parker Brothers’ American version. They are merely harbingers of the true threat. The threat to civilisation, and decent-minded clean-living the world over, known as the Personalized Monopoly game.
In this version, players create a game for themselves based entirely on random things that they find interesting. They rename the properties, and come up with amusing themed events for the cards, based around a subject of their choice. The sky might literally be the limit! As brief example, here are some personalized Monopolies of which I have heard: Communist Monopoly (woah, the irony!); Ghettopoly (careful, now!); Archaeologist Monopoly (buy the British Museum, while wearing an Indiana Jones style hat!); Accountancy Monopoly (it’s capitalism, but with balance sheets!). The self-absorbed, self-indulgent, and entirely trivial fun is absolutely endless!
At Hasbro’s mymonopoly.com, you can really get down to personalized Monopoly business. Here’s a random quote: “This is your opportunity to name properties after your best friends, your favourite holidays, in fact almost anything you like!” Well, at least I know what I’m really going to put on my own personalized Old Kent Road square: a little picture of a personalized Monopoly set. And on that picture of a personalized Monopoly set, the Old Kent Road square will also be a picture of a personalized Monopoly set.
Despite all that talk we hear nowadays about personal freedom and what-have-you, it turns out that too much individualism is, if not exactly a bad idea, then certainly an endlessly tiresome one. All of which goes some way towards explaining the particular, but entirely untrue, way in which I insulted your fat momma in my title. Of course, it should also be noted that some people really seem to like Old Kent Road, and even go out of their way to try to buy the property.
But then, some people probably like to buy your fat momma too.
The joke also only makes sense (and maybe not even then) if you first appreciate that there is a clear and present danger going on in the world around us, and that danger is the global threat of personalized-Monopoly-madness, a sickening and corrupt virus that is infecting more and more people every year. The virus presents itself in two main strains: the worrying, but perhaps not fatal, “localized” Monopoly; and the horrifying self-referentialism of the true, full-blown, “personalized” Monopoly strain.
Threat One: The Local Monopoly Set
There are a lot of “localized” sets of Monopoly out there. One kind revolves around themed sets: Simpsons Monopoly (Homer comes second place in a donut-eating competition!), Spiderman Monopoly (Dr Octopus tosses you back three spaces!), Doogie Howser, M.D. Monopoly (Doogie learns a life lesson while passing Go!). Of course, these examples are not true types of the “localization” trend, so much as they are evidence of the equally crass proliferation of a very small section of proven entertainment across a wide, but ultimately entirely inappropriate, variety of media.
In true localization Monopoly, the idea is that the main points of interest on the game board – properties, utilities, stations (railroads), and maybe even the Chance and Community Chest cards – are replaced by versions of the same which, and this is the important part, refer to your home town. The game rules are the same. The order of play is the same. Let us be clear: the differences in the theme of the board make absolutely no impact on the outcome. In every respect that matters, this is exactly the same set of Monopoly as the one your daddy (but not necessarily the same daddy who hangs around with your fat momma) bought for you one disappointing Christmas, many years ago. Except that in the local version of Monopoly, when you land on Mayfair (American version: Boardwalk. Japanese version: clearly underage anime girl with both male and female sexual organs), you don’t land on Mayfair, you land on the nicest street in your home town!
Oh my, I don’t think I can take the excitement! Instead of moving my little-dog playing counter onto a square going by the name of a street which has national cultural relevance, I’ve instead moved my little-dog playing counter onto the exact same square going by the name of an entirely different street, the relevance of which will only be understood by other people living in my home town! Totally sweet, dude!
Threat Two: The Personal Monopoly Set
Many versions of the local Monopoly set exist. If we are feeling charitable, we might say that, in a sense, they are merely extensions of the process which saw Waddington’s create a London-specific board from Parker Brothers’ American version. They are merely harbingers of the true threat. The threat to civilisation, and decent-minded clean-living the world over, known as the Personalized Monopoly game.
In this version, players create a game for themselves based entirely on random things that they find interesting. They rename the properties, and come up with amusing themed events for the cards, based around a subject of their choice. The sky might literally be the limit! As brief example, here are some personalized Monopolies of which I have heard: Communist Monopoly (woah, the irony!); Ghettopoly (careful, now!); Archaeologist Monopoly (buy the British Museum, while wearing an Indiana Jones style hat!); Accountancy Monopoly (it’s capitalism, but with balance sheets!). The self-absorbed, self-indulgent, and entirely trivial fun is absolutely endless!
At Hasbro’s mymonopoly.com, you can really get down to personalized Monopoly business. Here’s a random quote: “This is your opportunity to name properties after your best friends, your favourite holidays, in fact almost anything you like!” Well, at least I know what I’m really going to put on my own personalized Old Kent Road square: a little picture of a personalized Monopoly set. And on that picture of a personalized Monopoly set, the Old Kent Road square will also be a picture of a personalized Monopoly set.
Despite all that talk we hear nowadays about personal freedom and what-have-you, it turns out that too much individualism is, if not exactly a bad idea, then certainly an endlessly tiresome one. All of which goes some way towards explaining the particular, but entirely untrue, way in which I insulted your fat momma in my title. Of course, it should also be noted that some people really seem to like Old Kent Road, and even go out of their way to try to buy the property.
But then, some people probably like to buy your fat momma too.