Dear General Cheer Bear,
Hi, Darth Vader here, Lord of the Sith etc. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: what kind of jack-ass puts all the letters after his name? Well, I took the Sith exams, and they were really hard, so you know what? I think I’ve earned the right to use all the titles, okay? When you’ve passed the exams, you can use them too.
So anyway, I just felt like we should touch base about the whole “ruling the galaxy” shebang. Er, look Cheer Bear, I don’t really know how to tell you this, but to be perfectly honest with you, I’ve kind of been thinking about bringing my son in on the ruling the galaxy deal. Make a real family business out of it, you know? Sure, he kind of blew in from nowhere. And I’m the first to admit that he’s a little “homespun”; and yes, it can be a bit embarrassing to tell you the truth. Take the other day for example. There I was, just sitting down to a nice civilised evening meal (with the Emperor, no less!), and old farm boy waltzes in covered in grease and banging on about power converters. I’ll give him power converters.
Still, I’ve searched my feelings over this one for quite a while, Cheer Bear, and no matter what, he is my son. So basically, and this is the tough bottom line, Luke’s in and you’re out. I don’t really like it any more than you do, but what’s a dad supposed to do? And it’s not like I’ve heard much from you recently anyway. You know very well that you were supposed to send me an update on your black ops super-bear breeding program on the forest moon of Endor, like a month ago. What, you think I just won’t notice that the report’s not in my in-tray? Dark Lord of the Sith, Cheer Bear, Dark Lord of the Sith. I may not be freaking Yoda, but you still have to get up pretty early in the morning to pull that kind of stunt on me, missy.
And don’t even get me started on your “Empire Cheer Bear Chant”. Yeah, okay, so the Stormtroopers like it, but I’ve got to tell you that certain people in high places aren’t quite so keen. Just FYI, General. I mean, let’s just take a little example, shall we? How about this gem: your lines “The Death Star’s Super-Laser / Is super because of friendship.” That’s not only technically untrue, Cheer Bear, but it also pretty much gives away our biggest military secret to anyone who’s listening. I mean, seriously, what in the world were you thinking? We’ve only been keeping the thing under wraps for like twenty years. You know how much work it takes to keep the existence of a moon-sized battle-station secret from the Rebellion? Because it takes a lot of work. A lot. But oh no, you just give the whole game away, don’t you? And the Stormtroopers have been singing about it everywhere, Cheer Bear. Everywhere.
Anyway, that’s fine, we can cope with that. What I really take issue with, however, are the lines “Lord Vader loves you all / From the very big to the very small.” Now just look here. Okay, I’m the first to admit that I do have a certain soft spot for very big things. AT-AT’s. The Death Star. My Super Star Destroyer. The Dark Side of the Force. But I think anyone will tell you that very small things are kind of beneath my notice. I mean, really, Cheer Bear, did you not do any research for this thing at all?
I didn’t have to promote you to the rank of General, you know. Believe me, I’ve seen right-hand men come and go. I’m sure you remember the terrible and unfortunate accident involving your cousin, Admiral Brave Heart Lion. So maybe you should just accept my decision on this one. General Cheer Bear, I’m calling off our power-sharing agreement. You can just go back to the forest of friendship or wherever it was I found you. It’s over, Cheer Bear. Over.
Yours Faithfully,
Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith, ACMA