You see, dearest readers, what I did there in that little title was to cleverly suggest, in a roundabout sort of a way, that people who own a DVD copy of Knight Rider 2000 might – just might – be gay.
Not that (in the words of those people who repeat Seinfeld catchphrases long years after such phrases ceased to be culturally relevant in any way) there’s anything wrong with that. No indeed. Some of my best friends are gay. Well, not friends exactly, but people I know. Yeah, some people I know are probably homosexual. Well maybe not people I know per se, not acquaintances as such, but I definitely have heard of people who are gay, and I’ve probably sat on the next table to some in a restaurant or something. I mean, not close enough for it to have been weird, but close enough that I’m definitely not homophobic. Because, you know, I read somewhere that people who hate the gays might just be gay themselves. Like it’s a sign of some deep-seated psychological thing that you haven’t addressed or something. And that’s not me. No, if hating gays means that you are gay yourself, well, then I am practically the opposite of that. And in this case, that means that I love men who also love men with a furious passion the like of which has not previously been seen in this world. But, and I can't be clear enough about this, not in a gay way.
Ah, I’m just kidding with you. I don’t really have all the latent hate issues which that last paragraph suggested I did. It’s all just a bit of edgy fun you understand. And you know, I like to go through these little comic routines with you. Sometimes I also do them in front of a mirror. Sometimes I do them in front of a mirror naked. Sometimes, just sometimes, I do the routines in front of a mirror naked and videotape it, then send the video to interested parties. If you too would like to see my naked comedy video, you can always request one from me by email.
But I won’t respond, because, guess what? That last paragraph was also just a joke! I don’t really do naked comedy routines in front of a mirror and then record it. I don’t do that at all. In fact, I never have done! I’ve never even thought about it until just now! How about that? No, I just said that I did because I thought that videotaping a “naked comedy routine” would be the kind of funny thing that a crazily funny guy like myself would do, and then blog about to all the wonderful people on this wonderful internet. I even had a punch-line to the whole extended diatribe all ready. I won’t go into details, but it involved some exceedingly clever word-play around the phrase “stand-up comedy”.
I didn’t finish the joke though, because, guess what? I wasn’t really joking! I am, in point of fact, actually sitting in front of a mirror right now, writing this very paragraph, with nothing between me and the wide world but a flimsy pair of rubber gloves. Don’t worry though, it’s not weird, because I’ve got a repeat of an Ally McBeal episode on in the background. So it’s not like I’m alone or anything odd like that. And it’s not one of the episodes with the imaginary dancing baby either. I’m not even sure which episode it is, come to think of it, but I’m really hoping it features that African American lady with the obscenely large bust. Seriously, dude, that under-wire must be made from the same stuff as Captain America’s shield. And by that, I don’t mean that it’s made of an experimental vibranium-adamantium alloy. I mean that it is made of patriotism, courage, and the American Dream.
But wait! Because actually, I was just kidding with you yet again! I’m not really naked. And that’s not all! I'm not watching Ally McBeal! I don’t think I ever have! Can you imagine? That’s how crazy funny I can be, that I would just make up stuff that’s not even the slightest bit true!
You know what? I’m going to stop this right now. People who lie about themselves for comic effect suck big-time. Yeah, you know who you are, Jerry Seinfeld. I don’t think you’re a bee at all.