Bestiality is “literally” all over the internet. I’m not going to provide a link to it. You know where it is. I know where it is. Let’s not talk about it.
Instead, in today’s journey into the greyish unknown, I’d like to provide an antidote to all that animal action you’ve undoubtedly been watching recently. I’d like to provide a higher moral alternative to your despicable, depraved downloads. Think of me as Jaga to your Lion-O. Not that the noble Lord of the Thundercats would have ever been involved in the sort of farmyard filth to which you subscribe. I’ll bet that you even got excited by the word “Thundercat” in that last sentence, didn’t you? You make me sick.
Well, while you’ve almost certainly been gorging yourself on disgusting, if delectable, picture sets of circus clowns and hippopotami, I have been thinking of ways in which I can restore your poor beleaguered soul. So put down that pig while I save your bacon.
What you need, beef-eater, is my patented ten-point plan. Follow it to the letter, and you too can avoid the firey fires of eternal damnation. Now, I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. Let’s be honest, creeping into your neighbour’s barn in the middle of the night is going to be a pretty tough habit to break. Unlike those hen eggs, which you broke pretty easily, didn’t you, you vile but perfectly understandable pervert? Well don’t worry, because my ten-point plan is your roadmap to a new, non-lamb-liking life.
Yes, there will be temptations along the way. Those dirty dolphins at your local zoo are particularly delicious, so you should probably just try to avoid both them and their obviously titillating “jumping through a flaming ring” routine. While you’re at it, you should probably go ahead and stop watching those teasing chimps masticating on their big floppy bananas. Don’t get me wrong, I know what you’re thinking when you look at those chimpanzees with their bananas. But you shouldn’t think it. Because it’s wrong.
Sure, we’d all like to know what a half-man, half-chimp baby would look like, but the best way to go about finding that out is probably via some under-the-radar testing at a remote South American “medical facility” run by Nazi war criminal scientists. Let me be clear: though you are indeed rampantly and repugnantly noxious in your strange predilections, you are not a Nazi war criminal. Moreover, charging through the “Crazy Monkeys!” enclosure like the bull-elephant you bedded last Tuesday does not count as legitimate medical research. It does not even count as illegitimate medical research. People like you really get my goat, and frankly, my goat has had enough of you.
Let’s face it, you’re an inveterate lover of the animal form. So was Stubbs, but he expressed that love by painting horses predominantly with oil on canvas, and not on the whole with his bodily fluids. The way you do it is bad and wrong. Very, very wrong. To be honest, there is little hope for someone like you. But purchase my reasonably-priced ten point plan, and you might just find the light. Send the money in the post, and while you’re at it, you should also include all those abominable pictures you’ve taken, just so you won’t be tempted by them any more.
Don’t worry. I’ll make sure they’re properly disposed of.
Instead, in today’s journey into the greyish unknown, I’d like to provide an antidote to all that animal action you’ve undoubtedly been watching recently. I’d like to provide a higher moral alternative to your despicable, depraved downloads. Think of me as Jaga to your Lion-O. Not that the noble Lord of the Thundercats would have ever been involved in the sort of farmyard filth to which you subscribe. I’ll bet that you even got excited by the word “Thundercat” in that last sentence, didn’t you? You make me sick.
Well, while you’ve almost certainly been gorging yourself on disgusting, if delectable, picture sets of circus clowns and hippopotami, I have been thinking of ways in which I can restore your poor beleaguered soul. So put down that pig while I save your bacon.
What you need, beef-eater, is my patented ten-point plan. Follow it to the letter, and you too can avoid the firey fires of eternal damnation. Now, I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. Let’s be honest, creeping into your neighbour’s barn in the middle of the night is going to be a pretty tough habit to break. Unlike those hen eggs, which you broke pretty easily, didn’t you, you vile but perfectly understandable pervert? Well don’t worry, because my ten-point plan is your roadmap to a new, non-lamb-liking life.
Yes, there will be temptations along the way. Those dirty dolphins at your local zoo are particularly delicious, so you should probably just try to avoid both them and their obviously titillating “jumping through a flaming ring” routine. While you’re at it, you should probably go ahead and stop watching those teasing chimps masticating on their big floppy bananas. Don’t get me wrong, I know what you’re thinking when you look at those chimpanzees with their bananas. But you shouldn’t think it. Because it’s wrong.
Sure, we’d all like to know what a half-man, half-chimp baby would look like, but the best way to go about finding that out is probably via some under-the-radar testing at a remote South American “medical facility” run by Nazi war criminal scientists. Let me be clear: though you are indeed rampantly and repugnantly noxious in your strange predilections, you are not a Nazi war criminal. Moreover, charging through the “Crazy Monkeys!” enclosure like the bull-elephant you bedded last Tuesday does not count as legitimate medical research. It does not even count as illegitimate medical research. People like you really get my goat, and frankly, my goat has had enough of you.
Let’s face it, you’re an inveterate lover of the animal form. So was Stubbs, but he expressed that love by painting horses predominantly with oil on canvas, and not on the whole with his bodily fluids. The way you do it is bad and wrong. Very, very wrong. To be honest, there is little hope for someone like you. But purchase my reasonably-priced ten point plan, and you might just find the light. Send the money in the post, and while you’re at it, you should also include all those abominable pictures you’ve taken, just so you won’t be tempted by them any more.
Don’t worry. I’ll make sure they’re properly disposed of.