“I do this because there is nobody else to do it right now. Believe me if there was somebody else to do it, I would let them do it. There's not, so I'm doing it. That's what makes you that guy."
So says John McClane in Die Hard 4.0, and hopefully he’ll be saying exactly the same ultra-macho kind of thing when he gets stuck into the January sales on my behalf. Yeah, I’ll point you in the direction of the bad guy, John. He’s the one holding that really nice sweater that coincidentally also happens to be the last in my size. Sure, he seems innocuous enough, but trust me he’s a terrorist alright. So you should probably just finish him off, scream yippee-ki-yay at his mangled corpse, and give me that sweater. And don’t you dare get blood on it, McClane, or I’ll have your badge revoked.
Let’s be honest here: January sales are an evil blight upon the face of humanity. They are especially evil when they occur before December is even over. They are crowded, bring out the worst in people, bring out the worst people period. The January sale is an iniquity that quite simply represents the worst of humanity. That is why I have assembled the best of humanity to fight this great evil. John McClane is even now prepared to shop free or die hard. But he is not alone. I have also secured the aid of John Rambo, who I am assured will be more than happy to deal out jungle-themed death to mean old ladies with pointy elbows. Not only that, but Indiana Jones too has confirmed his availability during the immediate post-Christmas period. He has also been informed that those people who take a really long time in the changing room when you need to get in there are actually card-carrying Nazis. Let’s not tell him otherwise.
I am advised that Martin Riggs and Roger Murtaugh will be reprising their buddy-buddy kick-ass roles in Gap stores across the country, dealing predominantly with people who stand around in the store, look vacant, and generally get in the way of decent shoppers like ourselves. Joe Pesci has not been invited to assist. And if these measures are not sufficient, I have also secured similar aid from such automated shopping-security luminaries as the T-800 model terminator, the Cylons, and ED-209. And just so you’re aware, the ED-209’s family-safe mode will most certainly be disengaged. Do not fear, no one on my team will hesitate to strike at screaming children who just can’t get out of the way. In dealing with these and any other pests, lethal force has of course been authorised.
Shoppers, I have tried my best to ensure that your experience will be a pleasant one, free of the dark malevolence of those people who have too many bags and swing them around a lot. But even all that I have done may not be enough. Undoubtedly, the January sale will be the sorest trial Mankind has ever faced. As a species, we may not survive the ordeal. With this in mind, the Waspinator-for-President campaign will be holing itself up in our nuclear-safe bunker until the present shopping crisis is averted. May God have mercy upon us all.
So says John McClane in Die Hard 4.0, and hopefully he’ll be saying exactly the same ultra-macho kind of thing when he gets stuck into the January sales on my behalf. Yeah, I’ll point you in the direction of the bad guy, John. He’s the one holding that really nice sweater that coincidentally also happens to be the last in my size. Sure, he seems innocuous enough, but trust me he’s a terrorist alright. So you should probably just finish him off, scream yippee-ki-yay at his mangled corpse, and give me that sweater. And don’t you dare get blood on it, McClane, or I’ll have your badge revoked.
Let’s be honest here: January sales are an evil blight upon the face of humanity. They are especially evil when they occur before December is even over. They are crowded, bring out the worst in people, bring out the worst people period. The January sale is an iniquity that quite simply represents the worst of humanity. That is why I have assembled the best of humanity to fight this great evil. John McClane is even now prepared to shop free or die hard. But he is not alone. I have also secured the aid of John Rambo, who I am assured will be more than happy to deal out jungle-themed death to mean old ladies with pointy elbows. Not only that, but Indiana Jones too has confirmed his availability during the immediate post-Christmas period. He has also been informed that those people who take a really long time in the changing room when you need to get in there are actually card-carrying Nazis. Let’s not tell him otherwise.
I am advised that Martin Riggs and Roger Murtaugh will be reprising their buddy-buddy kick-ass roles in Gap stores across the country, dealing predominantly with people who stand around in the store, look vacant, and generally get in the way of decent shoppers like ourselves. Joe Pesci has not been invited to assist. And if these measures are not sufficient, I have also secured similar aid from such automated shopping-security luminaries as the T-800 model terminator, the Cylons, and ED-209. And just so you’re aware, the ED-209’s family-safe mode will most certainly be disengaged. Do not fear, no one on my team will hesitate to strike at screaming children who just can’t get out of the way. In dealing with these and any other pests, lethal force has of course been authorised.
Shoppers, I have tried my best to ensure that your experience will be a pleasant one, free of the dark malevolence of those people who have too many bags and swing them around a lot. But even all that I have done may not be enough. Undoubtedly, the January sale will be the sorest trial Mankind has ever faced. As a species, we may not survive the ordeal. With this in mind, the Waspinator-for-President campaign will be holing itself up in our nuclear-safe bunker until the present shopping crisis is averted. May God have mercy upon us all.