Let me put this simply, and in language that even your tiny, self-involved, and self-important brains might just about understand. I hate you. No, seriously: I hate you.
And by hate, I don’t mean that kind of nominal, vague sort of hate that is sometimes useful as a neutral descriptor of everyday or common dislike. This is not the kind of hate that someone means when they say ‘Oh, I hate Mondays’, or ‘Ow, I stubbed my toe – don’t you just hate that?’. No, this is not that kind of hate at all. This is a very personal, burning kind of hatred that seethes in the deep, dark recesses of my very soul. This is the sort of hatred that makes me feel like I’m going to have a stroke, just because I don’t know quite what to do with the molten feelings clawing at my insides. This is, basically, the sort of hatred where I’m going to have to choose between killing you, or killing myself out of sheer frustration. To be clear: I dislike you very much.
And when I say you, I don’t mean that nominal, vague sort of you that I sometimes find useful as a neutral second party to these blog postings. Someone who I can make fun of, or joke with. No, I don’t mean that at all. I mean you. You in particular. Yes, that’s right, you. You right there. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I hate a lot of people. And I hate those people a lot. But out of all those people who I hate a lot, I hate you the most.
But wait, because when I say all, I also mean literally all of you. I mean, yes, I hate you in particular, very much, but that ‘you’ I use is not necessarily a particularly particularised particular. That is, I have more than enough room to specifically hate you all an individualised amount, even as I continue to hate you all as a group even more than I hate everybody else. I hate you in an amount which is, if you like, variable, to allow an increased amount of hatred for whichever of you is currently the subject of my hate. Which, not to put too fine a point on the matter, is all of you at once. I mean, you might think I’d run out of hate. But you’d be very wrong. Oh, there’s plenty to go around, don’t you worry about that. Frankly, I’m a conveyor belt, endlessly spurting out hatred patties like a metaphorical version of a fast-food burger chain, and also like a literal version of a fast-food burger chain.
Now, when I say ‘and I really, really do’, what I’m trying to get across there is the sheer weight of seriousness with which I’m willing to back the idea of my hatred for you. I mean, I’m not just sure that I hate you, I’m double-really sure. I’m laying it all on the line here. This isn’t like hating milk or jelly beans or the concept of free enterprise, something that I might hate one day and then not hate the next. No, it’s not like that at all. This isn’t a fly-by-night sort of hate that’s going to turn into something else with the rising of the sun. This isn’t like ‘oh, I hate war’ or ‘oh, I hate starvation’. No, this is for keeps. This is real. This is really, really real.
But you can forget all that, because what’s important here is the why. That’s the heart of the matter, even as the matter of my heart is currently consumed with the most hateful of hates. Even as I am consumed in flames of raging ire, it is the reason for it which is truly the burning issue. Basically, I hate you all so very much because I love you all so very much. And on the whole, it’s a bit maddening.
Notes: Sometimes when I say one thing in this blog I might actually mean the opposite. I do this as a representation of how clever I think I am. It’s all a real mindbender really, isn’t it? Or maybe it isn’t. Or maybe it is. Well, whichever it is, please make it stop now. Or don't.
And by hate, I don’t mean that kind of nominal, vague sort of hate that is sometimes useful as a neutral descriptor of everyday or common dislike. This is not the kind of hate that someone means when they say ‘Oh, I hate Mondays’, or ‘Ow, I stubbed my toe – don’t you just hate that?’. No, this is not that kind of hate at all. This is a very personal, burning kind of hatred that seethes in the deep, dark recesses of my very soul. This is the sort of hatred that makes me feel like I’m going to have a stroke, just because I don’t know quite what to do with the molten feelings clawing at my insides. This is, basically, the sort of hatred where I’m going to have to choose between killing you, or killing myself out of sheer frustration. To be clear: I dislike you very much.
And when I say you, I don’t mean that nominal, vague sort of you that I sometimes find useful as a neutral second party to these blog postings. Someone who I can make fun of, or joke with. No, I don’t mean that at all. I mean you. You in particular. Yes, that’s right, you. You right there. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I hate a lot of people. And I hate those people a lot. But out of all those people who I hate a lot, I hate you the most.
But wait, because when I say all, I also mean literally all of you. I mean, yes, I hate you in particular, very much, but that ‘you’ I use is not necessarily a particularly particularised particular. That is, I have more than enough room to specifically hate you all an individualised amount, even as I continue to hate you all as a group even more than I hate everybody else. I hate you in an amount which is, if you like, variable, to allow an increased amount of hatred for whichever of you is currently the subject of my hate. Which, not to put too fine a point on the matter, is all of you at once. I mean, you might think I’d run out of hate. But you’d be very wrong. Oh, there’s plenty to go around, don’t you worry about that. Frankly, I’m a conveyor belt, endlessly spurting out hatred patties like a metaphorical version of a fast-food burger chain, and also like a literal version of a fast-food burger chain.
Now, when I say ‘and I really, really do’, what I’m trying to get across there is the sheer weight of seriousness with which I’m willing to back the idea of my hatred for you. I mean, I’m not just sure that I hate you, I’m double-really sure. I’m laying it all on the line here. This isn’t like hating milk or jelly beans or the concept of free enterprise, something that I might hate one day and then not hate the next. No, it’s not like that at all. This isn’t a fly-by-night sort of hate that’s going to turn into something else with the rising of the sun. This isn’t like ‘oh, I hate war’ or ‘oh, I hate starvation’. No, this is for keeps. This is real. This is really, really real.
But you can forget all that, because what’s important here is the why. That’s the heart of the matter, even as the matter of my heart is currently consumed with the most hateful of hates. Even as I am consumed in flames of raging ire, it is the reason for it which is truly the burning issue. Basically, I hate you all so very much because I love you all so very much. And on the whole, it’s a bit maddening.
Notes: Sometimes when I say one thing in this blog I might actually mean the opposite. I do this as a representation of how clever I think I am. It’s all a real mindbender really, isn’t it? Or maybe it isn’t. Or maybe it is. Well, whichever it is, please make it stop now. Or don't.