Dear So-Called "Defenders of the Earth",
Okay, so I’ve got a bone to pick with the lot of you. I’m going to state that I have said bone straight away, so everyone just knows where the hell they stand. When I saw the ad in the paper, no lies, I was just amazed. Really floored. "The Defenders?", I thought. "Are available for parties and events?" I’m not exaggerating when I say I fell giddily to the floor in something akin to religious rapture. Imagine! The Defenders of the Earth available for hire, and my birthday currently without any kind of entertainment booking! Well, I thought, this is simply too good to be true. And you know what, Defenders? It was.
Let’s be clear about this. Despite your claims to the contrary in company advertising, the good Mr. Lothar's strength was NOT a legend, and his skills did NOT conquer all. What Mr. Lothar did do, very successfully, was make a pretty bad mess of my piñata. The one that I had specially made for my best friend, Tommy. You want to know how that made Tommy feel? Well, you can see how it made him feel in the picture I've attached. He's the little boy in the middle, crying. Yes, the one in the wheel chair. The boy who your employee addressed as (and I quote) "Octon". Tommy bears no resemblance to Octon, Defenders of the Earth. Octon, as if you needed to be reminded, is a dome-shaped artificial intelligence with eight spider-like legs. Tommy is a five-year-old paraplegic. Also, Octon is remorseless in his desire to aid Ming the Merciless take over the cosmos, and the only thing stopping Octon from aiding Ming the Merciless in taking over the cosmos is Octon’s long and comedic rivalry with fellow henchman, Garax. Tommy, on the other hand, is remorseless in his desire to catch and play ball like a normal boy, and the only thing stopping Tommy from catching and playing ball like a normal boy is his long and not-particularly-comedic rivalry with a heartbreaking disability. You do see the difference, right, Defenders of the Earth?
Don’t misunderstand me, DotE. I get that Lothar was always kind of “required” on your team, if you know what I’m saying. Got to keep the minorities happy, am I right? But still, honestly, you'd think you could have found someone with an actual power. I’m not saying it has to be a super power, but something, you know? Like you’ve got Flash, who’s all about the rockets and whatnot, Mandrake does his magic, and Phantom has the whole beast-calling angle covered. And now that I think about it, DotE, any of these three members would have made for fine party entertainers. Little Tommy, so far as I can tell, is extremely fond of fireworks, magic, and animals. But come on, Defenders: which part of Lothar’s particular skill-set did you really think would be transferable to the small-venue entertainment market? His ability to punch people, perhaps?
Frankly, DotE, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Also, while I’m writing, please tell Flash Gordon to unplug his dead-wife-who’s-now-the-team-computer. It’s been long enough.
Okay, so I’ve got a bone to pick with the lot of you. I’m going to state that I have said bone straight away, so everyone just knows where the hell they stand. When I saw the ad in the paper, no lies, I was just amazed. Really floored. "The Defenders?", I thought. "Are available for parties and events?" I’m not exaggerating when I say I fell giddily to the floor in something akin to religious rapture. Imagine! The Defenders of the Earth available for hire, and my birthday currently without any kind of entertainment booking! Well, I thought, this is simply too good to be true. And you know what, Defenders? It was.
Let’s be clear about this. Despite your claims to the contrary in company advertising, the good Mr. Lothar's strength was NOT a legend, and his skills did NOT conquer all. What Mr. Lothar did do, very successfully, was make a pretty bad mess of my piñata. The one that I had specially made for my best friend, Tommy. You want to know how that made Tommy feel? Well, you can see how it made him feel in the picture I've attached. He's the little boy in the middle, crying. Yes, the one in the wheel chair. The boy who your employee addressed as (and I quote) "Octon". Tommy bears no resemblance to Octon, Defenders of the Earth. Octon, as if you needed to be reminded, is a dome-shaped artificial intelligence with eight spider-like legs. Tommy is a five-year-old paraplegic. Also, Octon is remorseless in his desire to aid Ming the Merciless take over the cosmos, and the only thing stopping Octon from aiding Ming the Merciless in taking over the cosmos is Octon’s long and comedic rivalry with fellow henchman, Garax. Tommy, on the other hand, is remorseless in his desire to catch and play ball like a normal boy, and the only thing stopping Tommy from catching and playing ball like a normal boy is his long and not-particularly-comedic rivalry with a heartbreaking disability. You do see the difference, right, Defenders of the Earth?
Don’t misunderstand me, DotE. I get that Lothar was always kind of “required” on your team, if you know what I’m saying. Got to keep the minorities happy, am I right? But still, honestly, you'd think you could have found someone with an actual power. I’m not saying it has to be a super power, but something, you know? Like you’ve got Flash, who’s all about the rockets and whatnot, Mandrake does his magic, and Phantom has the whole beast-calling angle covered. And now that I think about it, DotE, any of these three members would have made for fine party entertainers. Little Tommy, so far as I can tell, is extremely fond of fireworks, magic, and animals. But come on, Defenders: which part of Lothar’s particular skill-set did you really think would be transferable to the small-venue entertainment market? His ability to punch people, perhaps?
Frankly, DotE, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Also, while I’m writing, please tell Flash Gordon to unplug his dead-wife-who’s-now-the-team-computer. It’s been long enough.