Techno-illiterati that I am, I had no idea that people kept track of every single random search one enters into Google.
Oh, sure, I know search engines have lists of popular searches and things like that, but I kinda thought they just made it up. Like, whatever the Yahoo-guys happened to like that day would become the most popular search entry. Or that maybe it was all some kind of clever advertising ploy. I mean, how would anyone know?
But no, apparently they really keep track of things. And yes, apparently people have become much more interested in finding photographs of Britney’s younger sister now that there is strong evidence that Jamie Lynn has “matured into womanhood”. The fact that these people have become more interested in searching for such photographs is, of course, incredibly useful information that the world needs to have available. I for one needed someone to tell me that guys want to find pictures of naked pregnant celebrities. Yeah, and also, the Sun comes up in the morning. Does it Google? Thanks for letting me know.
All the same, I am pretty concerned by the revelation (well, at least to me) that somewhere there are vast banks of machines and/or people keeping track of internet searches. That someone has taken note of the world’s quest for tasteful Jamie Lynn photography is, frankly, the thin end of the wedge.
Now, my worry is this: at what volume of searches-performed does someone take note? Because, to take a purely hypothetical example (which, purely for the ease of argument, I will relate as if it were entirely true), I think I may have put a certain ex-girlfriend’s name into Google like, a million times. Not in a weird stalker way of course. Just, you know, I like to keep up with what people are doing. And Google is pretty good at helping to track people down. And restraining orders don’t exactly leave one with very many options, now do they? But here is my fear: what if that name becomes listed somewhere as a Most Popular Search? And she sees it? And it says “Most Popular Search: Waspinator’s Ex.” What am I going to do then?
Thinking about it, that’s probably the least of my worries. Really, I ought to think back over all the random searches I’ve put into Google last year. Maybe we should all do that. It’s like trying to remember the bad parts from a night out at which one drank rather too much alcohol: the brain tries to delete the memories as some kind of primeval defence mechanism. But I’m fairly sure that a list of those Google searches would make for damning reading. Why, even yesterday I distinctly remember entering both “Thundercats + DVD” and, somewhat later in the evening, “light bondage + Frank Bough”. What does that latter pairing say about me, should it ever come out (and perhaps be forgotten that there was a news story involving the two)? And does it make it better, or worse, that it was preceded by my interest in purchasing a classic animated children's television series? Worse, I’ll wager.
More evidence, as if it’s required, that Google is a Bad Thing. Well, okay, the whole Jamie-Lynn-nude business was actually the most popular search as reported by Lalate news (“America’s fastest-growing celebrity news site!”), but I think there’s still ample cause to blame Google for everything. Man, I hate Google.
Notes:
I am aware that the plus sign does not operate in Google as an “and”, but in fact prevents the web crawl from discounting a common word following the sign. But the quotes in the main body of this post just look more fun with the plus sign. Call it artistic license if it makes you feel better. Just don’t email me to say anything about how internet searches work, because I absolutely don’t care. Wow, you internet-savvy types really make me sick. Actually, physically, sick. I’m vomiting painfully while I write this, and it’s because I’m thinking about you, you freaking technocrat.