I know, I know: I’ve been away for a long time. Too long a time. I’m sorry. Really I am. Please forgive me.
People have been asking me (albeit very occasionally) who the “You” is in my blog posts. Who is it that I mean, for example, when I say “I’m going to kill you with a banana”, or “I’ve renamed Old Kent Road after your fat mom”, or “I think you should stay away from farms”? Exactly who is this ethereal you? Well, I’ve got news for you. It’s You. And frankly, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Sadly, though, this particular post is not about you. Yes, you heard right. Not everything is about you, you know. I know you’ll find that hard to accept, arrogant as you are. But this post is actually going to be all about me. So there. Look, honestly, I'm truly sorry for the dark despair my absence must surely have created in your lives. But maybe trying to cope with that absence has made you stronger. And maybe that extra strength has helped you overcome that little problem you’ve had on your mind recently. And maybe solving that little problem will also help you look at some of your really big problems. And if that’s the case, then I think we both know that you should probably be thanking me as much and as often as you possibly can.
But look, I’m afraid sometimes even I feel the pinch of having a real life. Not like some blog writers out there, I can tell you. There’s this guy somewhere in the wacky world of the internet who puts a photo a day onto his blog. A photo! Every day! For like, a long time! Maybe even since the internet was invented, over three years ago! And not only that, but it’s a photo that he’s really thought about. And he writes something to accompany the photo too. I mean, not a particularly good something. Mainly stuff about some girl who doesn’t love him or what a great night the office party was. But still, it’s something, right? And really, how on earth does he find the time? And moreover, how does he find something interesting enough that he wants to take a photo of it? Every day? I can come up with about ten things that I want to take photos of, ever. And five of those things are worrying issues on my own body to show to a doctor. So, what I'm saying is that one photo a day might very well be pushing it.
Yes, sometimes life catch you unawares, and sometimes you can see it coming and still can't do anything about it. Sometimes it even means not being able to update your social media status: really, things can get that bad.