I’d like to devote today’s instalment of Waspinator for President to the burning subject of Nineties' put-downs.
In fact, ideally, I’d like to create an online 'knowledge base' of insults originating from (what I'm quasi-reliably informed is) this all-time-great decade. For insults. But I can’t tackle this task by myself, oh no. To build this amazing repository of incredibly useful insult-related social history, what I also really need is you! You, my dear reader, have quite an opportunity ahead of you. You, and only you, can help me help the world help you by logging your favourite insults of the Nineties with the research staff here in the Waspinator secret bunker. All of us here are feverishly awaiting what is sure to be your extremely insightful input, so get using that email button, and get sending us your amazing contributions. I’m looking for classics such as “Pathetic, Tennessee. Population: You!” or perhaps the ever-green “I’ve done the math, and it’s not going to happen”, or even the quick and lively (if a little context-specific) “Cheque, please!”
Now, I can't stress strongly enough the weighty importance of this endeavour. It's weightiness is like a collapsed neutron star, balanced on top of another collapsed neutron star, balanced on top of your fat momma. To be clear: this is important. And importantly weighty. And weightily important. But wherefore is it so weighty and important and also weighty, you ask? What is the purpose behind building this high-tech insult knowledge base, you enquire? Well, iterate your wondering no further, my dear reader, because I'm only too happy to tell you.
What this boils down to, in all honesty, is that I have a bit of a problem. It's quite a serious problem, actually, and I'm really not too sure what I can do about it. I guess this might not come as too much of a surprise to you. You've probably had your suspicions for a while now. Probably, you've had your suspicions for a while now because you're an overly suspicious sort of person, and maybe that's something you should address about yourself. But don't address it right now, because we're not currently talking about your problems, unspeakably legion though your problems certainly are. Now that I come to think about it, in fact, it's actually quite a surprise that we're not talking about your unspeakably legion problems right now: by the laws of chance alone, you'd think it would be hard not to hit on speaking about one of those unspeakable problems. But no, just this once, we've found a problem that you don't have. Because this, dear reader, is my problem. And it's big.
Yes, my problem is quite a big problem indeed, because, to put it simply for you my dear and simple reader, my problem is you. Or, rather more specifically, my problem is that I have finally run out of ways to effectively describe just how very awful you are. Terribly inventive as even I am, and inventively terrible as even you are, I have simply run flat out of appropriately rancorous speech with which to circumnavigate your badness. You, my dear and horrible reader, are so bad that you have plunged right out of linguistic efficacy. In no uncertain terms, you have become both figuratively and literally nothing. I'm not sure I can help you with this, but I am absolutely sure that you can help me to help you to help me with this. Because, you see, only you in your infinite terribleness can possibly hold the key to describing you as you fully deserve. Only you, in your deeply dark darkness, can summon up an insult so peculiarly invective that it can properly be applied to your titanically terrible totality. Finally, you can do something to help your situation, even if that something is only to give me some new ways to put you down. Which I think we both know is what should really happen here anyway.
So there we are. Between us, I honestly believe we can make this latest project into internet gold. Now, I think I’ve done the hard part in suggesting this wonderful idea. The rest, as they say, is up to you.
Notes: Sometimes, in these notes, I retract or otherwise turn around the propositions put forward in the main body of the post. This is partly about maintaining a kind of structural running joke (structural jokes being the best kind), but it's also a nice way of taking the sting out of any mean words or insults. Anyway, sometimes I do that.