So the news is that I’ve come down with a spot of shingles, which is quite like herpes, only socially acceptable. Anywho, whilst scratching my now crusty and infected skin in the futuristic isolation ward of the Waspinator-for-President campaign headquarters, I was treated to a new television advertisement highlighting the hidden danger that is Sexually Transmitted Infection. In this advert, a host of very conventionally attractive girls…well, let’s use the phrase “get it on”. Pretty good, huh? Bet you’d like to see some of that action, yes? But just wait one moment, because the camera is going to switch to a close-up shot of their skimpy discarded underwear, and guess what? It’s got the word gonorrhea written on it in lacy writing! Oh, the horror!
Okay, so I know what the advert is trying to say. Hey, this girl may look pretty hot, and yes she has nice underwear, but, you know, you should probably use a condom. But what it also says, just as loudly, is that this girl looks pretty hot, and she doesn’t mind if you don’t use a condom, which, as far as I'm aware, is quite a nice proposition for exactly the sort of people to whom this advert is so obviously aimed. So why not get out there and spread it around? I’m pretty sure there’s a cure for gonorrhea anyway, whereas there’s clearly no cure for having to wear a condom. STI’s: are you willing to take the risk? Not until watching this advert, but now I think that yes, yes you probably are.
Okay, so I know what the advert is trying to say. Hey, this girl may look pretty hot, and yes she has nice underwear, but, you know, you should probably use a condom. But what it also says, just as loudly, is that this girl looks pretty hot, and she doesn’t mind if you don’t use a condom, which, as far as I'm aware, is quite a nice proposition for exactly the sort of people to whom this advert is so obviously aimed. So why not get out there and spread it around? I’m pretty sure there’s a cure for gonorrhea anyway, whereas there’s clearly no cure for having to wear a condom. STI’s: are you willing to take the risk? Not until watching this advert, but now I think that yes, yes you probably are.
Actually, I think it has real legs, this idea. I was too quick to ridicule the herpes advertisement, because it’s certainly on to something. What if people really did have warnings about themselves helpfully written on their clothing for all to see? Surely there wouldn’t really need to be all this fuss about giving more “stop and search” powers to our wonderful police force if only Arabic-looking juvenile delinquents could be persuaded to embroider their hoodies with helpful phrases such as “actually, I’m not really Arabic, so you can leave me alone officer”, or perhaps “well, I have a PhD in bio-chemical engineering so I’m definitely not a delinquent, but on the other hand I’ve been openly ambivalent about your ideas of political justice, and I can see that this brick-sized lump under here might look like a dirty bomb, so I guess you should stop and search me although in doing so you’ll probably be prompting me towards terrorism anyway”.
And forget all that public money spent on ID cards. All we really need is for The Gap to come up with a line of comfortable bio-metric slogan clothing. And alongside the fiddly stuff about names, addresses and previous criminal convictions, all sorts of useful phrases might present themselves. Imagine the greater ease and safety with which social interactions in society could be conducted with the application of textualised garments such as “Don’t date this one, she’s had three kids”, or “I don’t actually have any kittens at home, kid, just a meat rack”.
See? It’s a winner.