So I come to you with some important news. I know that it has been some time since last I spoke to you within and from these hallowed halls, but the vagaries of the world call upon us all. Still, now is the hour when I return and, as already stated, I have news to proffer in your general direction. And just so you’re properly prepared in advance, or as advanced as can possibly be, this news I am about to give is some big news. You are, as they say, going to want to sit down.
The news is this: the things I am saying, these words right here, the words you’re reading right now, are not the opinion of anyone else. They are my words, and I just wrote them. And those ones too. And those ones. And those, and those, on and on unto eternity. They’re not anybody else’s words, or views, or thoughts. They’re mine. Because I just said them. I know this news will be difficult to understand, and hence why I explain it in some depth. My opinions are my own, because I just said them. I am the one saying them, and that is how you may know that they are my things that I just said.
But wait. As shocking as that news must have been to you, it is not the only news of which I am currently the bearer. I have more news available for you, and if for the formerly stated news you were already going to want to sit down, for this news you will wish to stand up again. Because you are going to want to sit down once more. Had you already been sitting down, you see, sitting down further would be difficult. So stand up. Because, and this is purely my opinion and nobody else's opinion, you are about to want to sit down with a heavy sigh of sudden realisation as my second piece of news hits you in your previously uncomprehending face. Here is some more news. You ready? Good.
You, yes you, are the person to whom I intend to speak.
I know that you are the person to whom I intend to speak, because I’ve chosen to speak to you. That is what intend means. I’m speaking to you just now. And now. And again. But imagine, for a moment, that you are not the person to whom I intend to speak. In that other possible universe where you are not the person to whom I intended to speak, then you are not the person to whom I intended to speak. And I would like you to know that. Should you not be the person to whom I intended to speak, you should disregard the things that I am saying. If I did not choose to write to you, but write to you anyway, that is your fault because I have told you in advance. Should that case arise, then I am not intending to speak to you- except in so far as by telling you I am not speaking to you I am in fact precisely addressing you, yes you, in order to tell you that I am not. In that sense, I am speaking to you. But not in any other.
Thank you for listening to my news. And by my news, I mean the news that is mine that I have just given. And by thank you, I mean to thank you. Unless I did not mean you. In that latter case, you should kindly disregard my thanks and instead slap yourself sharply across one cheek for daring to read those words. Do not pass them on.
Notes: when I said at the end of the first paragraph above, ‘as they say, you are going to want to sit down’, I did not mean that there was anyone else who was actually saying that. It was me saying that. Just so you know.