An(other) Introduction To Waspinator-For-President

Waspinator, as if you needed to be told, is a Predacon from the tv series Beast Wars, a long defunct descendant of the Transformers franchise. Relatively speaking, he has almost nothing to do with this blog.

Sunday, 1 November 2009

My Funding Bid Is In! “Mutabiliti-e: The Spenserian Virtual Learning Environment”

Dear Unspecified Research Council,

Oh hi there! So I hear you fund all kinds of forward-thinking work these days. Well, have I got an educationally non-discriminatory/ nationally engaged/ community focused/ learning e-motivated project for you!

I know what you’re thinking: “can he really deliver on these ambitious claims?” But don’t worry Unspecified Research Council! Because I am *literally* prepared to cut my aims in half for you. Or even further! Oh yes, my moneyed friends, I’ll happily downgrade to whatever level of scholarship you require. Would you like a section of the site to examine the points of intersection between Spenser’s Irish landscape and last night’s episode of Coronation Street? Because I can make that happen. What’s that I hear you say? You think the site could benefit from a games area, where interested scholars can attempt to stab the Blatant Beast with their mouse? Hey, I for one think that’s a really great idea, and I’m more than willing to take it on board.

I tell you, Unspecified Research Council, I’m so glad you’re letting me run these ideas past you. This project could have been so stuffily intellectual. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I was trying to “think future” with it from the get-go. It’s not like I’d ever dream of sending you a funding proposal for something stupid and passé. Like archival research. Or genuinely original scholarship. Or an educational centre…with books. Can you imagine it? The horror. All that paper! Who ever dreamed up that stuff was off their rocker, am I right?

But I’ll tell you this, Unspecified Research Council, I’m being corporate-minded here. And I think we both know that a corporate-minded approach to education is exactly what an academic funding council like you should want to see. Now, I’m looking at external sources of connected funding, and I’m thinking Toys-R-Us. Here’s the plan: so a student is reading a passage (in modernised l33t of course), with Red Cross Knight, and guess what? Bam! Hyperlink straight to the Knight from our own range of Spenser toys! Purchasable with period-realistic nuclear tank. Or get him with buddies Una and Fidelia, each in a range of fun, sexy outfits! I think you’ll agree, this is solid, community-focused work.

But just hang on there, Unspecified Research Council, because I understand what you’re probably thinking. Hey, it’s what I’m thinking too. Isn’t there a risk here, that working with Toys-R-Us is going to mark this project out as somehow too high-brow? Aren’t we refusing to engage with potential markets, and discriminating against those learners who would perhaps prefer to buy from a less intellectually rigorous toy-store? Well don’t worry. I’m way ahead of you on this one, and I think I have the perfect solution. And even better, it’s an electronic solution.

With the Mutabiliti-e patented Scholar-Shop, our learners will actually be able to choose an appropriate “Spenser Sponsor” to suit their edutainment needs. Perhaps you’d like your Faerie Queene to be queen of the playboy mansion? Done. Perhaps you’d like your Shepherd’s Calendar in the form of an actual calendar replete with pictures of that guy from High School Musical? Done. Yes indeedy, this is user-focused, interdisciplinary work we’re designing here.

One small problem, though, my dearest Unspecified Research Council. While the primary outcome of this project will be the collection of revenue, and the secondary outcome of this project will be the spawning of more revenue-producing projects, and the tertiary outcome of this project will be free advertising for you, and the quaternary outcome of this project will be the freeing-up of teaching hours for more revenue-producing work, there is still just the teeniest tiniest possibility that somewhere in this idea there may yet be an un-expunged nugget of actual usefulness and learning.

I’m sorry Unspecified Research Council, but even the best work has unexpected flaws.


Note 1: I’m so very sorry I uttered the word “teaching” above, Unspecified Research Council. Don’t worry, I’ve crossed myself the requisite number of times.

Note 2: Of course, any or all of the above may be potentially libellous. If you’re from the particular Unspecified Research Council we all know I'm talking about (i.e. any and all of them anywhere ever), and you’d like me to remove this post, please contact me to have a nice discussion about intellectual freedom. And don’t worry, you can do it electronically.