In Other News: “Hey, Look! A Dungeons And Dragons Ride!”

So, just how stupid are these kids?

Let’s take a look at the ride in question:

Now, let’s leave, for the moment, the obvious issue of quite why they think it’s a good idea to go into the big dragon’s mouth. Let’s also leave aside the question of why they’re not suspicious of a Dungeons and Dragons ride, when no such ride exists. No, let’s just take a very basic look at the horrific and glaring safety infractions going on in this amusement park.

Look! Just look at it! The front of the car isn’t even attached to the rails, for goodness sake! Seriously, it is a miracle that this ride hasn’t suffered fatalities already. Or perhaps it has, and the park owners are just covering it up for the sake of insurance premiums? I wouldn’t be at all surprised, because this amusement park has safety infractions everywhere:

Where are the guard rails? Where are the park attendants? I’m literally at a loss here. Why does the taller child at the front not have any eyes to speak of? I can only imagine it’s as a result of an extended stay at the most dangerous amusement park in the world. Yes, even more dangerous than the one at Michael Jackson’s house USED TO BE. And yes, even more chilling than Dollywood. Count the scariness here. Children: leaning over into roller coaster track. Child: running away from suspicious gentleman. Suspicious gentleman: on loose, collecting children. Overall safety rating: not good.

And exactly where is the sign saying “you must be this tall to get on this ride”? I can’t see it anywhere. Because the Barbarian kid is, you know, like, quite short. Tiny, really. And while I am the first to appreciate the clever cartoon-moral irony of the littlest kid taking on the character of the big barbarian hero, the simple fact remains that he is, surely, far too short to be riding on a roller coaster. And certainly too short to be sitting next to the cute girly one, who was clearly contractually obliged to be my bride, despite the otherwise compelling fact that she is entirely fictional:

Also, and back on topic, in the photo above please examine the safety harnesses offered by this particular roller coaster ride. That’s right, you can’t – because there aren’t any. Not so much as a flimsy safety belt, let alone that sturdy metal contraption that folds over your head and holds you in place. Why, if this ride has even one loop de loop in it, these crazy kids are going to be splashed all over the tarmac before you can say “+1 magic mace”. Frankly, it’s a good job this ride does lead to another dimension, because those poor children have a far better chance of making it through alive against Tiamat the five-headed dragon than they ever would on this death-coaster.

Also- kids, keep your arms inside the car at all times!!! What were you thinking? Seriously, is it really any wonder that this happened:

Come on people, it was just a matter of time.

Notes: Guy at back in second to last photo with glasses and goatee: appears to be herding children. What’s with this place? Also, two of four children have empty dark holes where left eye should be. Terrifying.

That Shadowy Figure Of The Past Tugging At Your Sleeve Might Just Be Me

Oh hello there. You seem to have caught me mid-blog. Or rather, you might have done, had I not been silent in the world of substandard online diarism for quite some time now. In fact, I do believe it has been a whole year! Have you missed me? Have your days been empty and startlingly bleak without my comforting thoughts to guide you? Well I don’t really care either way. Because, as we've firmly established on numerous prior occasions, I don’t really like you very much. For example, do you remember that magical time, years ago, when we were both carefree children in the playground of our lives, and I would push you gently on the swings? Just so you know: I was actually thinking about pushing you gently off a cliff.

In any case, I feel like I should provide some kind of update on things that have occurred during our intervening silence. But honestly, I can’t think of much. I mean, there was that time when [redacted] happened during [redacted]. I know, it’s been an entire year. But I'm still not ready to talk about it. Trust me, [redacted] was pretty bad. And I don’t mean bad in the Star Trek: The Next Generation sense, where a character will suffer something emotionally or intellectually crippling…and affecting them for the space of exactly one episode. Like the one where Picard gets tortured and has a mental breakdown but then is back in command of Starfleet's flagship in the next episode. Or the one where Worf breaks his neck and has to relearn how to walk, so that he can be Chief of Security again in the next episode. Or the one where Geordi is brainwashed into being a terrorist and has to painstakingly piece his memory back together, just in time to work engineering miracles in the next episode.

Well, trust me, that thing we're not talking about is really sticking with me. When I'm ready to talk about it, I'll let you know. But understand this: you will be genuinely harrowed by the tale. And you should know that I've also been thinking about redecorating.

Notes: So ever since Miles Mayhem escaped from the facility here beneath campaign headquarters, over a year ago, I've been running the events of our lives together over and over in my head. I just can’t stop thinking that there must surely have been some way I could have changed things. Maybe there was something I could have done differently, or something I should have said? Did I not love little Miles enough? Did I, perhaps, use the electroshock therapy one too many times? It's hard to say. Miles, if you're out there, come home. Just come home.