My Funding Bid Is In! “Mutabiliti-e: The Spenserian Virtual Learning Environment”

Dear Unspecified Research Council,

Oh hi there! So I hear you fund all kinds of forward-thinking work these days. Well, have I got an educationally non-discriminatory/ nationally engaged/ community focused/ learning e-motivated project for you!

I know what you’re thinking: “can he really deliver on these ambitious claims?” But don’t worry Unspecified Research Council! Because I am *literally* prepared to cut my aims in half for you. Or even further! Oh yes, my moneyed friends, I’ll happily downgrade to whatever level of scholarship you require. Would you like a section of the site to examine the points of intersection between Spenser’s Irish landscape and last night’s episode of Coronation Street? Because I can make that happen. What’s that I hear you say? You think the site could benefit from a games area, where interested scholars can attempt to stab the Blatant Beast with their mouse? Hey, I for one think that’s a really great idea, and I’m more than willing to take it on board.

I tell you, Unspecified Research Council, I’m so glad you’re letting me run these ideas past you. This project could have been so stuffily intellectual. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I was trying to “think future” with it from the get-go. It’s not like I’d ever dream of sending you a funding proposal for something stupid and passé. Like archival research. Or genuinely original scholarship. Or an educational centre…with books. Can you imagine it? The horror. All that paper! Who ever dreamed up that stuff was off their rocker, am I right?

But I’ll tell you this, Unspecified Research Council, I’m being corporate-minded here. And I think we both know that a corporate-minded approach to education is exactly what an academic funding council like you should want to see. Now, I’m looking at external sources of connected funding, and I’m thinking Toys-R-Us. Here’s the plan: so a student is reading a passage (in modernised l33t of course), with Red Cross Knight, and guess what? Bam! Hyperlink straight to the Knight from our own range of Spenser toys! Purchasable with period-realistic nuclear tank. Or get him with buddies Una and Fidelia, each in a range of fun, sexy outfits! I think you’ll agree, this is solid, community-focused work.

But just hang on there, Unspecified Research Council, because I understand what you’re probably thinking. Hey, it’s what I’m thinking too. Isn’t there a risk here, that working with Toys-R-Us is going to mark this project out as somehow too high-brow? Aren’t we refusing to engage with potential markets, and discriminating against those learners who would perhaps prefer to buy from a less intellectually rigorous toy-store? Well don’t worry. I’m way ahead of you on this one, and I think I have the perfect solution. And even better, it’s an electronic solution.

With the Mutabiliti-e patented Scholar-Shop, our learners will actually be able to choose an appropriate “Spenser Sponsor” to suit their edutainment needs. Perhaps you’d like your Faerie Queene to be queen of the playboy mansion? Done. Perhaps you’d like your Shepherd’s Calendar in the form of an actual calendar replete with pictures of that guy from High School Musical? Done. Yes indeedy, this is user-focused, interdisciplinary work we’re designing here.

One small problem, though, my dearest Unspecified Research Council. While the primary outcome of this project will be the collection of revenue, and the secondary outcome of this project will be the spawning of more revenue-producing projects, and the tertiary outcome of this project will be free advertising for you, and the quaternary outcome of this project will be the freeing-up of teaching hours for more revenue-producing work, there is still just the teeniest tiniest possibility that somewhere in this idea there may yet be an un-expunged nugget of actual usefulness and learning.

I’m sorry Unspecified Research Council, but even the best work has unexpected flaws.

Note 1: I’m so very sorry I uttered the word “teaching” above, Unspecified Research Council. Don’t worry, I’ve crossed myself the requisite number of times.

Note 2: Of course, any or all of the above may be potentially libellous. If you’re from the particular Unspecified Research Council we all know I'm talking about (i.e. any and all of them anywhere ever), and you’d like me to remove this post, please contact me to have a nice discussion about intellectual freedom. And don’t worry, you can do it electronically.

In Other News: “Hey, Look! A Dungeons And Dragons Ride!”

So, just how stupid are these kids?

Let’s take a look at the ride in question:

Now, let’s leave, for the moment, the obvious issue of quite why they think it’s a good idea to go into the big dragon’s mouth. Let’s also leave aside the question of why they’re not suspicious of a Dungeons and Dragons ride, when no such ride exists. No, let’s just take a very basic look at the horrific and glaring safety infractions going on in this amusement park.

Look! Just look at it! The front of the car isn’t even attached to the rails, for goodness sake! Seriously, it is a miracle that this ride hasn’t suffered fatalities already. Or perhaps it has, and the park owners are just covering it up for the sake of insurance premiums? I wouldn’t be at all surprised, because this amusement park has safety infractions everywhere:

Where are the guard rails? Where are the park attendants? I’m literally at a loss here. Why does the taller child at the front not have any eyes to speak of? I can only imagine it’s as a result of an extended stay at the most dangerous amusement park in the world. Yes, even more dangerous than the one at Michael Jackson’s house USED TO BE. And yes, even more chilling than Dollywood. Count the scariness here. Children: leaning over into roller coaster track. Child: running away from suspicious gentleman. Suspicious gentleman: on loose, collecting children. Overall safety rating: not good.

And exactly where is the sign saying “you must be this tall to get on this ride”? I can’t see it anywhere. Because the Barbarian kid is, you know, like, quite short. Tiny, really. And while I am the first to appreciate the clever cartoon-moral irony of the littlest kid taking on the character of the big barbarian hero, the simple fact remains that he is, surely, far too short to be riding on a roller coaster. And certainly too short to be sitting next to the cute girly one, who was clearly contractually obliged to be my bride, despite the otherwise compelling fact that she is entirely fictional:

Also, and back on topic, in the photo above please examine the safety harnesses offered by this particular roller coaster ride. That’s right, you can’t – because there aren’t any. Not so much as a flimsy safety belt, let alone that sturdy metal contraption that folds over your head and holds you in place. Why, if this ride has even one loop de loop in it, these crazy kids are going to be splashed all over the tarmac before you can say “+1 magic mace”. Frankly, it’s a good job this ride does lead to another dimension, because those poor children have a far better chance of making it through alive against Tiamat the five-headed dragon than they ever would on this death-coaster.

Also- kids, keep your arms inside the car at all times!!! What were you thinking? Seriously, is it really any wonder that this happened:

Come on people, it was just a matter of time.

Notes: Guy at back in second to last photo with glasses and goatee: appears to be herding children. What’s with this place? Also, two of four children have empty dark holes where left eye should be. Terrifying.

That Shadowy Figure Of The Past Tugging At Your Sleeve Might Just Be Me

Oh hello there. You seem to have caught me mid-blog. Or rather, you might have done, had I not been silent in the world of substandard online diarism for quite some time now. In fact, I do believe it has been a whole year! Have you missed me? Have your days been empty and startlingly bleak without my comforting thoughts to guide you? Well I don’t really care either way. Because, as we've firmly established on numerous prior occasions, I don’t really like you very much. For example, do you remember that magical time, years ago, when we were both carefree children in the playground of our lives, and I would push you gently on the swings? Just so you know: I was actually thinking about pushing you gently off a cliff.

In any case, I feel like I should provide some kind of update on things that have occurred during our intervening silence. But honestly, I can’t think of much. I mean, there was that time when [redacted] happened during [redacted]. I know, it’s been an entire year. But I'm still not ready to talk about it. Trust me, [redacted] was pretty bad. And I don’t mean bad in the Star Trek: The Next Generation sense, where a character will suffer something emotionally or intellectually crippling…and affecting them for the space of exactly one episode. Like the one where Picard gets tortured and has a mental breakdown but then is back in command of Starfleet's flagship in the next episode. Or the one where Worf breaks his neck and has to relearn how to walk, so that he can be Chief of Security again in the next episode. Or the one where Geordi is brainwashed into being a terrorist and has to painstakingly piece his memory back together, just in time to work engineering miracles in the next episode.

Well, trust me, that thing we're not talking about is really sticking with me. When I'm ready to talk about it, I'll let you know. But understand this: you will be genuinely harrowed by the tale. And you should know that I've also been thinking about redecorating.

Notes: So ever since Miles Mayhem escaped from the facility here beneath campaign headquarters, over a year ago, I've been running the events of our lives together over and over in my head. I just can’t stop thinking that there must surely have been some way I could have changed things. Maybe there was something I could have done differently, or something I should have said? Did I not love little Miles enough? Did I, perhaps, use the electroshock therapy one too many times? It's hard to say. Miles, if you're out there, come home. Just come home.